My Past is Not Today
by LuckyLadybug
Summary: Post-series, my Pendulum Swings verse. Mai has finally returned to Domino City, but is still struggling with the memory of her past actions. She decides the thing to do is to speak with someone else in a similar situation: Yami Bakura.


**Yu-Gi-Oh!**

 **My Past is Not Today**

 **By Lucky_Ladybug**

 **Notes: The characters are not mine and the story is! This is part of my** _ **Pendulum Swings**_ **timeline, which is basically a post-series Yami Bakura redemption arc. I finally found a way to get Mai back to Domino in my latest multi-chapter venture,** _ **Static Code Analysis.**_ **I also got the idea for this little story taking place shortly after it.**

Yami Bakura wasn't expecting any visitors. There rarely ever were any if Bakura wasn't home, since visitors generally wanted to see him and not a grouchy, mischievous former thief. Anyone that did want to see Yami Bakura would likely be at school with Bakura. So he was stunned when the doorbell rang one afternoon while he was looking over information on an upcoming local Duel Monsters tournament and he answered it to find Mai Valentine there.

"Good afternoon," he said with a raised eyebrow.

"Hello," Mai greeted him. With a wry smile she added, "I know you're surprised to see me, but it's actually you I wanted to see. Do you mind if I come in?"

Well, he was scarcely about to refuse. Besides, now he was thoroughly curious. "By all means." He held the door open wider and she walked in, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she came.

"So it's true," she said with a bit of a smirk. "You can be polite when you want to be."

"I'm just intrigued." Yami Bakura shut the door. "What on Earth do you want to see me about?"

"It makes sense in context." Mai folded her arms and studied him, still with an amused look. "But I have to ask, are you really a three-thousand-year-old Egyptian, like Bakura says you are? The word on the street is that you're his cousin, and you sure look the part."

Yami Bakura smirked back at her. "You think we would tell the world what I really am? Of course, if you don't believe me, I can always try to prove it." The Ring started to glow. "But we both know you're just stalling. And unlike you, I don't have time to waste." Actually, he really didn't have much to do at the moment, but he wasn't about to tell her that.

"Nevermind," Mai interjected. "Bakura said you like to tease people. I really did come here for a serious reason. I just . . . wanted to make sure you would really be able to understand it."

"Bakura does not lie." Now Yami Bakura had an edge in his voice.

Mai sobered and sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off like I was questioning his honesty. It's just that everything he said sounded so far-fetched."

"After everything you've seen?" Yami Bakura retorted.

"I guess I walked right into that one." Mai gave a dry smirk before continuing. "Okay. To be blunt, I wondered how you've dealt with being around people you hurt so deeply."

"Ah, I see." Hardly offended, Yami Bakura just folded his arms and looked back at the troubled woman. "I didn't deal with it well. I was uncomfortable with it and avoided it when I could."

"From what they said and I saw, you acted like you had it together," Mai pointed out.

"Of course. So do you, for that matter," Yami Bakura said, "although it's easy to see it's just an act. You're still hurting inside. You still feel unworthy of their friendship."

Mai clenched a fist. "I've known for a long time I had to come back. When I met Jean-Claude Magnum again and realized how much he wanted to be the best and how shallow he was, it really drove home to me that I was being ridiculous to think that becoming a better Duelist would make me feel better about all the hurt I brought to the only people who ever actually accepted me. It's as lame as the idea that I would want to marry Jean-Claude if he beat me in a duel. So I came back.

"Joey, of course, accepted me with open arms. Yugi and Téa too, really. Tristan . . . well, he's worried I'll hurt Joey again, and he's got a perfect right."

"Tristan does not forgive or trust easily," Yami Bakura agreed. "He and I have had a great deal of trouble. But we are getting past that at last, as you well know. Give him time. When he sees that you are sincere, he will start to feel better about you."

Mai sighed. "But how do _I_ feel better about me?" she said softly. "No matter how welcomed I am, how can I ever feel that I'm worthy? I know the Orichalcos had to corrupt me before I really turned against anyone or thought that hurting them would make me feel better, but for me, that's not an excuse."

"Nor should it be," Yami Bakura grunted. "You still did it."

Mai peered at him. "You're still struggling too, aren't you?" she realized. "I see it in your eyes."

"Yes, and I'm afraid I don't know the answer to your question," Yami Bakura said. "I suppose the only thing that helps at all is knowing I am no longer that person. I will not deliberately harm those people again. But I don't know how to forgive the me of the past or get over what I did." He looked tired. "Bakura always tells me I'm good. He hopes someday I will believe it. Perhaps someday I will, and perhaps you will be able to believe Joey when he says it about you."

"I hope so," Mai said quietly. She hesitated again. "Does it ever feel strange to associate with people younger than you are? Sometimes that feels awkward for me too, like that they aren't old enough to know how cruel the world really is, while I do. But . . ." She shook her head. "After everything they've been through, honestly, I think they know more about the cruelty of the world than most people, and yet they still have hope. That amazes me. And I'd rather be with them than with anyone I know who's my own age."

"Yes, the age barrier isn't really a problem for me," Yami Bakura said. "Especially since I am good at adapting to the times. That is one reason why I take on this form; I've only had it in the modern age, so I don't feel so much like a three-thousand-year-old wandering spirit when I use it. But the hope they have . . . that amazes me as well. It still feels like foolish naivete, and yet I've seen their beliefs in themselves and the Heart of the Cards work time and again. Obviously there is more at work than naivete, if that is even a factor at all."

"There sure is," Mai said. "Maybe that's what I've been searching for . . . that belief. I thought I had it, but Yami Marik broke me down like a crumbling cookie when he started digging into my mind. I felt so alone. I thought I was holding it together after I got back from the Shadow Realm, but then when I really was alone because of my own actions and the nightmares started, I knew I didn't have it together at all. I felt like I'd been in their shadow ever since I met them. They were better Duelists than me, and happier than me, and I thought I could find that same happiness by becoming as good a Duelist as they already were. But it didn't really have anything to do with dueling, something I didn't realize for a long time. Their happiness comes from somewhere deeper inside themselves, a satisfaction with who they are that I have never had, even when I was good at dueling."

"Yes, you're right," Yami Bakura agreed. "They are excellent Duelists because they already believe in and are happy with themselves."

"So . . . were you happy with yourself?" Mai asked him. "In the past, I mean."

"Mostly, yes," Yami Bakura agreed. "Zorc had poisoned me so deeply that I didn't even realize I wasn't fully myself. I was extremely confident in myself and my abilities."

"But now, in spite of your unhappiness with yourself, you're still a good Duelist, from what I've heard," Mai said. "What's your secret to that?"

"It's not a secret." Yami Bakura looked firmly into her eyes. "I found a new purpose and reason for dueling. I have someone to protect."

Mai looked away. "I guess that's how Téa feels too," she mused. "She'll always fight for her friends, no matter how scared she is. She always believes she'll come through because of the love she shares with the others."

"Heh. Well, I don't know about that, but I drive myself on because I can't lose, not if losing means harm will come to Bakura."

"And that sounds like Yugi," Mai said. "Can I have that kind of drive?"

"Yes, if you love them enough," Yami Bakura said. "But then Joey doesn't always fight to protect. He wants to make a career out of dueling, he loves it so much."

Mai paused. "I wonder if that's why I failed," she mused. "I tried to make a career out of it too, but I can't say that I ever really loved the game. It was something to hide behind, something to give me power and that made me feel good to win. Like, I failed at everything else, but if I could win at Duel Monsters, I was doing something right. But then I alienated everyone because I thought they'd hold me back and I had to win or I'd fail at not just the game, but at life."

Yami Bakura nodded. "I believe you're figuring it out."

She frowned. "I used to believe that a person had to face their demons head-on to conquer them. I helped Yugi overcome something he was struggling with. And I thought I was facing my problems by becoming a better Duelist, but I was really just running away from the real demon, the fact that I'd betrayed and abandoned my friends."

"And now you've finally come back because you recognize that fact," Yami Bakura said. "Naturally it's going to be difficult for a while. I couldn't understand how Bakura could want anything to do with me. Sometimes I still can't. But I've accepted he loves me and he is a very forgiving person. I don't feel uncomfortable around him anymore. If you can accept that about your friends, perhaps you will feel comfortable around them again. And as for Tristan, your return is a demon he'll have to deal with, not you. It's up to him to decide that you are safe to be around. As long as you don't give him new reason to worry, he'll figure out the truth."

Mai nodded. "I don't want to do anything to hurt them again." She turned away, gripping her arms. "What you said about Zorc poisoning you so you didn't even realize you weren't yourself . . . that's what the Orichalcos was like too. Dartz asked me if I was willing to give up my weak side, and I've always believed in doing that to be strong anyway, so of course I said Yes. He didn't tell me what the Orichalcos would really do to me. As soon as he infused me with it, I felt power and strength like I'd never had before. It felt incredible. But it also immediately brought out my darkness and twisted and expanded it. When he then told me I had to steal souls with The Seal of Orichalcos, it sounded fine to me. In my normal mind, if he'd told me that, I would have told him to take a hike."

"Yes," Yami Bakura agreed. "Zorc and the Millennium Ring were similar. When I took the Ring and put it on, I felt that power rush as well. And my entire nature became warped. I hadn't targeted the innocent people the Pharaoh ruled until that happened; I only targeted those whom I believed were guilty. I was wrong, and I did wrong by them, but I wasn't attacking those whom I knew were innocent. After I had the Ring, Zorc told me that the villagers would all support the massacre of Kul Elna if they knew about it. When I was already filled with hate, the cloud of darkness the Ring cast upon me made his words sound perfectly logical. I know some of them likely would have supported it. But certainly not all of them would have, just as hardly anyone in the Pharaoh's court supported it once they knew."

"And you were really stuck with Zorc for three thousand years, like Bakura said?" Mai said in horror.

Yami Bakura nodded. "Zorc's hold on me kept growing through the centuries, until at last I believed I _was_ Zorc. Only Zorc's destruction finally freed me of his influence and allowed me to see what I had become. I didn't like what I saw."

"We both did so many horrible things." Mai finally turned back to look at him again. "No excuses or explanations will ever make it better. Knowing we're no longer those people doesn't seem to do much either."

"Somehow we have to both accept what we were and what we are now," Yami Bakura said. "As I said, I don't know how to do that either. Perhaps only time will help us heal. That, and the love of those who see what we do not. I know I could not do this alone. That is all I know to tell you."

Mai sighed but smiled. "Thank you. I think talking to you really has helped. It's good to talk to someone else who has a lot to regret. I hope someday we'll both get past our feelings about ourselves."

"Someday, perhaps," Yami Bakura agreed.

xxxx

Yami Bakura was left pondering the unusual visit after Mai left. When Bakura came home from school, he found his friend sitting on the couch, staring off into the distance. Surprised, and a little concerned, Bakura set his briefcase down and went over to him. "Yami?"

Yami Bakura started and looked to him. "Good. You're home," he greeted with a grunt.

"Usually you hear me come in." Bakura sat down next to him. "What is it?"

"It's nothing, really," Yami Bakura retorted.

"Which means it's something, I think," Bakura said softly.

Another grunt. "Nothing bad, exactly." Yami Bakura paused again, then said, "Mai Valentine came over to see me."

Now that definitely surprised Bakura. "Oh?" He blinked rapidly in bewilderment. "But why?"

"Apparently she's still trying to find her place," Yami Bakura said. "She wondered how I've been getting by."

Bakura smiled. "That's nice. I'm sure you were able to help her."

A shrug. "Eh. We'll see."

"So, what has her visit made you think about?" Bakura asked.

"How I've been getting by," Yami Bakura flatly said.

"You've been doing wonderfully," Bakura proclaimed.

"Yes," Yami Bakura mused. "Which is something that never fails to both baffle and amaze me. After all I did, to think that I could find love again. . . . That I could know love, and feel it for someone else. . . ."

"You always loved the people of Kul Elna," Bakura said softly.

"I know," Yami Bakura said. "But eventually it was buried under so much hatred and confusion that it was a shock to finally be released and have it brought to the forefront of my mind again."

"You loved so much that you were willing to take on an entire nation to right a horrendous evil," Bakura said. "And now, if your loved ones were in trouble again, I believe you still would."

"I would," Yami Bakura agreed. "Nothing could stand in my way."

"You're such a loyal friend, Yami," Bakura said. "I'm so glad the others are seeing that now. But I think what makes me even happier is that you're seeing it. I'm sure Mai will eventually see the same thing about herself."

"Perhaps so," Yami Bakura said noncommittally. "She was a strong person, once. It's hard for her to see herself like that anymore. The Orichalcos shattered her self-worth as well as her self-confidence."

"That sounds familiar," Bakura said softly. "You have your self-confidence, Yami, but your self-worth has been shot ever since you were free of Zorc."

"But you have worked to build it back up again," Yami Bakura said. "You see worth in me that I didn't know I had."

"You're a good person," Bakura said. "So is Mai. Joey will help her regain her self-worth, just as I hope to help you with yours."

"You have already done a lot," Yami Bakura said. "And I am grateful."

"I'm happy I could help," Bakura smiled.

The papers scattered on the end table suddenly caught the boy's eye. "What's this?" He lifted them up. "Yami, are you going to enter this tournament?" His eyes gleamed with surprise and delight.

"I'm considering it," Yami Bakura said. "Part of me still wonders whether I should bother with trying to find a career path before I've even passed the test to fully earn a second chance. The other part would like something more to do than play Doom all day on the computer, whether I earn that second chance or not. You're certainly right that dueling is something I know how to do. Since I can't very well have a career in thievery, I thought I might as well try and see how well I'd do as a professional Duelist before trying to learn a whole new talent."

"I'm so glad." Bakura said. "I know you'll do wonderfully!"

"But will I win?" Yami Bakura frowned. "I'm good, but we both know I have a history of losing duels."

"You've been winning a lot of them recently," Bakura said softly. "And I think without the pressure of life-and-death situations, you'd be able to easily win out over your competition!"

"Heh." A smirk. "Perhaps. But perhaps you underestimate the pressure of winning to obtain a monetary prize. Some, if not all, of the competition will be fighting just as fiercely as if it was a life-and-death situation."

"I suppose that's why I've never cared to enter tournaments," Bakura chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

"And the prize is only offered to the first-place winner," Yami Bakura grunted. "There are no second or third places. Trying to make a career out of this will be challenging."

"You've always loved a challenge," Bakura said. "And you're determined at anything you put your mind to."

"Yes," Yami Bakura mused, "I am at that." He glanced at the papers again. "Well, perhaps I'll register tomorrow."

"You could register today," Bakura pointed out. "They're open until evening."

"Hmm. That's true." Yami Bakura got up. "No sense putting it off then."

"None at all," Bakura smiled, and stood with him. "Oh, and are you planning to stay in this form?"

"I'd rather," Yami Bakura said. "Although that could present a problem if I'm asked to present my identification, since the photograph on that is of my mortal form." He gave a wicked smirk. "Of course, I could handle such a situation the way I handled it when a police officer wanted to look at my driver's license."

Bakura winced. "Oh my. Do I want to know?"

"Probably not," Yami Bakura laughed as he headed for the door. "But I will tell you anyway."

Bakura followed, wondering what he was in for.

xxxx

Mai was deep in thought as she left the Bakura household and drove through the streets of Domino. That curious venture had not been her first in the past several days. She had talked with several people about her feelings, and to some extent they had all given similar advice. Time and love, huh? And maybe trying to remember the good things about herself, as Marik had suggested when she had tried talking to him. Even making lists of the good, if that would help her keep it in mind better.

But of all the people she had talked to, one she hadn't tried was Joey. She didn't want to burden him even more. He was just happy she was back. He probably hoped things could start getting back to normal, although it seemed impossible that they could ever get back what they had had before. She didn't like to tell him that she was still struggling, that she didn't know if she could ever feel good about herself again. She had hurt him so much already. He deserved to see the Mai he remembered, not the Mai who was still fighting feelings of insecurity and self-worth.

"Hey, Mai."

She jumped a mile. Somehow she had driven out to a local park, and somehow, by some coincidence, Joey was here. Now he was at the car, one hand on the top of the convertible's door.

"Oh . . . Joey. . . . I didn't see you here. . . ." Mentally she kicked herself. Could she sound any more lame?

"Yeah, I know." Joey just gave her a sad and bittersweet smile. "I wondered if we could talk."

"Talk?" Mai blinked. "Talk about what?"

"About you, Mai. I know you're still hurting." Joey looked at her in all sincerity. "If we had only been able to talk before, maybe you never would have got so down that you felt like joining Dartz was the answer. I thought you were just fine after Battle City. You acted like it. Now I realize it was all just an act. You wanted everyone to think you were fine. Or . . . I don't know, maybe right then you really thought you were okay. But then when you were alone after you left, you realized you weren't okay at all, only then it was too late. You could have come back any time, but you felt like you couldn't, that you couldn't share this stuff with us . . . with me. So you kept digging yourself deeper into your loneliness until Valon found you and took you to Dartz.

"Well, you're doing the same thing again, Mai! Pretending everything's okay, I mean. But this time I'm smarter than before. I know you're not okay." Joey gripped the door tighter. "So please . . . let me help you. Don't shut me out again."

Mai stared at him. It was so strange to have someone actually pick up on what she was feeling and why she was doing certain things. Joey had always been loyal, but he hadn't known her as well then as he did now. For him to realize, and to want to talk . . . it was such a different feeling from what she had experienced for most of her life. A good feeling.

"Alright, Joey," she agreed. "Let's talk."

She was right that things could never go back to what they'd been before. But maybe . . . possibly . . . things would be even better.


End file.
